Grief had pressed me down to the point where I could not hold myself up. Pain had bound my mind to the point where I could not even pray. I turned to the intercessor and began to collect pieces of life off of the ground.
The earth had just begun to sprout hope. The birch trees were weeping the winter's lichen onto the grass. Buds were rending through bark on woody branches. I arranged them in a prayer on the stone bench.
It looked like a grave. I lamented that it was. That it is.
"Not a grave. An entrance."
The thought alighted through the static and fog of fear, with the swiftness of an arrow. Something that was crumpled inside of me began to unfold, just a little, like a page from the bottom of the bin. I froze.
He held the hands of my heart, eyes shining with confidence. Glistening with knowing. But, tearless.
My soul ticked, "Aren't you grieved? Angry? What am I supposed to do?"
I searched him for details, but he was quiet as a rock. I limped away in a half-stomp back to the house, followed by the song of the stream, cutting the valley.
The one loving his life loses it, and the one hating his life in this world will keep it to eternal life.
John 12:25
Until we are raw with God, our worship is disingenuous. He wants a real relationship with us, and to be intimate with the good, the bad and the ugly. He already knows. But, we can't know Him, unless we are honest.
I used to think that repentance was only a turning-away. A tip-toeing on good behavior and a pious disposition. But, the turning-away from sin is only genuine as an effect of turning-towards. When we turn towards Him, withholding nothing, including anger, fear or wailing complaint, religious delusions of our purity and holiness that come to rob us of truth, fly out the window. His blood skims it away.
Jesus tore the veil between us, in our sin and mess, and a holy God. Yet, many try to pull it back over them, by hiding the truth, and therefore, can't enjoy the fullness of his freedom. When we trust God enough to be real and honest, it moves him to interact with us and our relationship becomes real. What an amazing grace, the cross of Jesus Christ has given to us.
